Denial
by Emerald-eclipse
Summary: Five times Taichi refuses to admit he likes Chihaya and one time he doesn't. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Chihayafuru.

_"quote"_ - actual quotes from the series (meaning not mine)

If some things look different - chuck it up to artistic liberties.

Taichi is not in love with Chihaya.

Or at least that's what he wants to believe on a few occasions.

1.

A wave of shame overcomes him when he thinks back to that moment five years ago. He remembers the warmth of the setting sun at his back, the feeling of the glasses in his hand, tears of shame trickling down his cheek, and he sees again Arata's _understanding_ look. _"Please don't tell Chihaya"_ he begged. He didn't know why. All he knew was that he didn't want her to hate him.

2.

"See, I don't like Chihaya (the "not anymore" goes unsaid)"-

He thinks to himself, gazing down at the girl lying on the grass. He realizes he hasn't seen her since graduation, three years ago. Now at fifteen, she looks different (of course she does). Her hair is longer (prettier). He feels no sudden waves of attractions or burst of passion. His heartbeat doesn't get faster. Yet something else rises within him. A sudden gust of wind picks up pushing at his back. And he can't help but take a step forward and say out loud: _"No wonder they call you a beauty in vain"_ and when she snaps awake, turns around, hair flying, wide eyes staring at him (and only at him) he can't help but laugh.

3.

"There is no way I (still) like her in that way"-

He thinks to himself desperately, his heart beating loudly in his ears, cheeks warming up at the feel of Chihaya's arms around him. For such a delicate girl she sure had a strong grip. _"Taichi, let's play karuta together again!"_ she cries into his t-shirt. He feels (by now a familiar) warmth rising in his stomach and a (definitely unfamiliar) thought slowly forming in his mind. His hand automatically reaches towards the girl when she lets go and says "I need to tell Arata!" The feeling was gone. He tugs his beanie over his eyes. He didn't want her to see his expression right now.

"I don't like Chihaya…because she already likes someone else. Even if she doesn't see it yet."

4.

"I'm so not in love with Chihaya"-

He thinks to himself, annoyed that he somehow got dragged into her harebrained scheme. And what is wrong with Arata? The hell, he quit karuta. Chihaya was being her usual chirpy (clueless) self. Or trying to at least. Arata's declaration left both of them shocked.

Somehow a simple question about her boyfriend (or lack thereof, and no he wasn't silently glad) left him even more irritated. "What is love anyway?" Chihaya wonders out loud. He gazes out of the window. _"It's when you don't have fun," _he manages to grit out through his teeth. She tries to ask him more questions and he vaguely recalls saying something back. But then, he stays silent the rest of the train ride, gazing out of the window. The fact that he could see Chihaya's reflection in it the whole time is purely coincidental….

Who was he kidding? He looks at her and thinks, _"Love is when nothing goes your way. When you're not having fun…and yet…you still want to be with her."_

5.

He will take this as a sign that he wasn't in love with Chihaya.

Because if he actually was, he wouldn't do this, he thinks while passing (thrusting) his phone to Chihaya. Her face is millimeters away from his but he can't bring himself to looks at her. The sweet cake tastes bitter in his mouth. He eats it right out of the spoon she is still holding, out of spite (to her? Arata? himself?).

If he actually liked her, he would have wanted to keep her only to himself. He would have ignored (deleted) the message. For a split second he even imagined himself dropping the phone into the river below.

If he actually liked her, he would only feel love to her. He wouldn't be alternatively annoyed, exasperated, angry, frustrated, confused, sad….his train of thought breaks off with a quick glance at Chihaya. She was still looking at Arata's message, her eyes lightning up with happiness.

If he was actually in love, he thinks, he wouldn't be in so much pain.

The next weeks are a blur of training, frustration, memorizing, forgetting, memorizing and forgetting. No time to think about things like _feelings_. The surprising monotony of matches after matches is broken up only by Arata's appearance and the promise of a match to come. This time, Chihaya's tears and smiling face (she is a walking contradiction, she is) at the news only brings a bigger smile to his own face. Jealousy aside, he can't help but admit that he is also glad that Arata was (_finally_) back.

Three memories that stick out vividly in his mind from this period were:

- his match (loss, he reminds himself) against Nishida,

- Chihaya's crying but determined face after her match with Wakamiya Shinobu,

- and Arata's smile (half sheepish, half relieved?) at the news that he (Taichi) wasn't going out with Chihaya.

6.

He can hear her sobs through the locker door (why did she choose a locker, of all things, to hide in, no one could understand). His heart clenches painfully and he just wants to bust open the metal door and pull her into his...he ruffles his hair in frustration, stopping his thoughts.

Oe-san comes in, sends a worried look at the (still) closed locker and tells him (them) excitedly that Sudo and Harada-sensei both won their matches and will be facing each other in the next round. He leans his back against the locker and knocks.

"_Chihaya, come out. Let's go and cheer on Harada-sensei." _

He can't help but think that if it was Arata he would have known what to do. He would have known what to say to cheer her up and get her to come out. "Chihaya."

Suddenly, the door at his back is gone and with a yelp he finds himself on his back.

"_What are you doing?"_ she all but shouts at him.

What is it about her - he wonders - that keeps me drawn to her no matter what?

"_You have to go watch Harada-sensei and Sudo-san play!"_

Is it because no matter how dense she seems sometimes, she always understands him. She _always_ knows what to say and when to say it to make him act?

"_Next year they'll be your rivals in class A, you know? You have to go watch them play, not cheer them on!"_

He looks at her, really looks at her. He can see her eyes filled with tears. She quickly wipes them away but not before one of them manages to fall on his cheek.

"_Let's go Taichi!"_ She grabs onto his arm and pulls him up. That's what she always does. Pulls him with her, even when he refuses, even when he fights.

And this time his heart clenches for a different reason. With this he knew.

He knew that he was hopelessly in love with Chihaya.

Note: My roommate and I marathoned our way through Chihayafuru Season 1. I forgot how much the characters _grew_ over the whole series, especially Taichi. He is flawed yet tries his best to become better. I think what he said in episode 20 that rather than becoming A class he wants to become someone that doesn't run away, sums his journey up nicely without belittling his efforts (if that makes any sense).

ed. 7/9/2013 minor edits


End file.
